The tale of one girls first and last cruise.
I will NEVER go on another cruise. I’ve been home since Thanksgiving morning and I think I’m still recovering. I've been planning to type a whole synopsis of the occasion since before we even left Mexico but I have not been able to convince myself to do so...I think I've been afraid of having flashbacks of the hairy chest contest (insert puking smiley here).
I knew when I booked the trip months ago that it most likely wasn't going to be my favorite thing. I’m not a fan of confined places in which I cannot escape and while some may think of a cruise ship as wide open space you CANNOT escape unless you’re a really good swimmer or fish. But the cruise had been arranged as a part of some old friends who were having their wedding on board. It came with a nice price and the idea of having a group of friends to hang with helped to lessen the uneasy feeling brewing in my belly. So a cruising we shall go…
The morning of our embarkation Shawn realized that he, along with another groomsman, purchased the wrong color pants (even though I questioned the color at least 100 times and was told “no, it’s Khaki”), no biggie, we’ll just swing by the mall on our way to the terminal we’re ahead of schedule anyway. As we got off the expressway onto Boy scout I suddenly realized that when Shawn chose to put on his boots that morning instead of the flip flops I had laid out I didn’t pick up the flip flops and pack them….these are the shoes he is to wear for the wedding (insert panicking smiley here). When I tell Shawn he of course FTFO and proceeds to drive all the way back home (about 15 miles I guesstimate) at about 100 MPH while I pray that I do not die. Needless to say, we made it home got the shoes, swung by the mall (where we had to wait 2 minutes for them to open the damn door…in this economy if there is a customer standing outside your door waiting to spend money you let them in…not stand there and organize your new floor schematic for the sweater section) and managed to make it to the terminal with plenty of time.
Getting on the boat was easy, the wedding was short but lovely and the reception that followed was simple but fun. After that all ended we were able to get into our room. The room was small but had everything I needed and the bed and pillows were surprisingly comfortable. And at night they would turn down your bed and leave the cutest little towel animals. I couldn't resist the photo op!
That evening we headed to our first dinner where we met the people we would be eating dinner with for the next four nights, they were also guests of the wedding and we were grouped with the rest of the wedding people so it worked out well. Dinner was okay.
The next day we were at sea all day…this is when the “I cannot escape” voice starts to chirp in my head. Shawn headed to the casino to play poker (imagine that) and I wandered around for a little while until I decided it was warm enough to brave laying out (after all I should at least get a tan). I found a portion of the deck that was not totally crowded and even found a chair on the end of a row with no people around it …YAY (have I mentioned I don’t like sitting next to strangers especially when half necked, I prefer to sunbath in private but I’m determined to have a good time). After about 30 minutes Shawn appeared. He had quit the game because “it was dumb”, “not enough people showed up” etc. etc... We laid together for maybe 1 hour before the hairy chest contest began. This is a contest where 3 women sit on stage while 6 dudes dance their way to the stage where they strip there shirt off, dirty dance their way across the stage allowing each lucky lady a chance to rub his hairy chest. I believe at the end one of the men is awarded the “hairiest chest award” but I was only able to stomach the first 2 dancing dill holes and abandoned my chair immediately.
That night was “Captains night” where they host a complimentary happy hour before dinner and you have to dress up. (Let me tell you if you do ever brave a cruise of your own you must take advantage of any free cocktail hour as the cost of a drink on board is practically the price of a whole bottle at the duty free!!). Cocktail hour was nice and dinner was again okay, it’s the after party where things start to go awry. First we go the casino, where while playing a game one of the guys curses and is told he must watch his language (insert sound of crickets here). Here’s my thought: I can drink, smoke and gamble but I can’t say shit if I lose? Are you Fucking kidding me…it’s a casino…not a temple!?#%&! So after everyone had had there share of that we headed to the “rock and roll club” (how cheesy) where I proceeded as did Shawn to drink to much, but whatever, your only young once and what are they going to do kick me off the boat! (Snicker) The next morning we arrived in Grand Cayman, where hangover and all we got off and walked around the unimpressive port. Here’s my thought on the Cayman’s: There’s a whole lot of money in the Cayman’s it’s just not spent on the port. It’s one of those places where if you can’t afford to stay at the really nice resort don’t bother going…there’s nothing there and everything is overpriced.
The next day we got to Mexico where you can see from the photo I made it a whole 10 paces off the dock before succumbing to the calls from the Corona’s. I really enjoyed Cozumel…it’s much more “my kind of place”.
We again opted out of any cruise sponsored excursions; I’d had my fair share of being herded like cattle whilst on board and wanted to enjoy my few hours of freedom my way! So we sat and drank a few while we collected our little group, then we caught a cab “downtown” where we drank more as we walked along and looked at the shops. They have this wonderful little tactic at the jewelry stores. They see you drinking a beer and they say “oh you like Tequila” or “you drink Corona?” and then they lead you to the back of the store where they give you free drinks! What a great way to make friends and to get them to buy your stuff!! Through one of these jewelry store portholes we found this fantastic little bar that sat in the middle of a courtyard. Bar stools with saddles, $1.00 Coronas, awesome chips and salsa and a live Mariachi band... I’m in a happy place here. We decided to take advantage of the fantastic beer price and proceeded to set up a game of beer pong.
Here's me (and my liquid courage) holding a ginormous diaper wearing iguana
WooooHOOOO were having fun now!! We decided it best to only play one game and left to find our next destination…”The No Name Bar”. No, really that’s what it was called. This bar was also hidden behind a building and it happened to be where the cruise crew people hang out when not on the boat. We drank many more beers here, then walked what seemed like an eternity back to our ship where we ate, then retired to our room for the evening. The next day we were at sea and it was very windy and too cold for me to layout so we wandered around, watched TV and ate and that’s pretty much it.
Thursday morning we arrived back in Tampa where we couldn't get off the boat quick enough. We choose the Self-assist debarkation option which means you carry all your own stuff but you get off first. Can I just tell you getting back into this country from a cruise has to be the least secure, easiest thing ever. My passport is in my maiden name, but my travel documents were in my married name so I traveled with my marriage certificate and my birth certificate so I could prove who I was. When getting on the boat at the start of the cruise, they verified my marriage certificate. Getting off the boat, going through customs, I walked up to the man at the podium where he the took our customs paper said “hello Mr. and Mrs. Daniels", then looked at our passports and said “Shawn Daniels and Nicole Aynes…welcome home” and along we went. They didn’t check our bags, pat us down, make us walk through the little scanner thing we had to walk through to get on the boat, didn’t ask for my marriage certificate…nothing! I was SHOCKED, especially since we had just watched the whole Mumbai thing unfold while we were on the boat and hadn’t they gained access to India through their waterways????????
A similar thing happened in Mexico. When we were getting off the boat there was a police officer with a sniffing dog…he sniffed out a ham sandwich (which they confiscated) but getting back on the boat after a day in Mexico no security anywhere? I’m no expert but don’t you think there is a greater possibility of people bringing stuff back from Mexico rather than dropping it off there??
Overall, the boat itself was unimpressive. It had a sort of cheap strip club feel with thes giant stripper pole looking poles all over ( I assumed they were some sort of support beam holding the boat together but they were silver and shiny and in one room they were purple?) and the food was average at best. I can also confirm after 5 days of people watching we ARE an obese country…push away from the table people, push away. Just because there is a self-serve ice-cream machine available 24 hours a day doesn’t mean you need to eat ice-cream 24 hours a day. I’m serious. It’s no wonder diabetes in children is shooting through the roof…I watched one chunky kid eat a cheeseburger, hotdog, cookies and ice-cream in one-sitting while his mother sat across from him eating a bowl of fruit….ummm hello! And you could tell this was not the first time this child’s food wants had been indulged. And another thing, people are just RUDE! While waiting in the buffet line for lunch one day there was a women 3 people ahead of us SMOKING IN THE FOOD LINE. Please tell me you see the problem with this…but wait it gets better. This was a nacho bar, at the chip bowl they had these pathetic little tongs that only allowed you to get one chip at a time, the smoking lady (who had finished her cig at this point) I kid you not reached into the bowl with not one but both of her hands and as she did it she says to those of us behind her “I just sanitized my hands” (on cruise ships they have Purell stations at the beginning of every food line in an effort to stop the transfer of germs). At this point Shawn had had it and I could no longer convince him to be quite…he proceeds to say “was that before or after you smoked your cigarette and blew the smoke on the food and our faces”! AHHH SNAP! He is a former smoker and never would have done what she had done and I never would have allowed it. This woman was appalling and lived up to every trailer park, white trash stereotype out there.
The next rude thing, and something which should be completely not allowed was how people would come into the dining room barefoot and wearing only their bathing suits. Ewww! There was a buffet available outside; if people want to eat in their bathing suits they should have to stay outside by the pool. Whatever happened to the “shirt and shoes required” rule? Hundreds of bare-foot, sweaty people walking around the carpeted room daily...it just makes me shudder typing it. And every time someone would walk by me shoeless and shirtless I would think “and I can’t curse in the casino?”
I suppose cruising would be fun if I was one of those people who likes to lay out by the pool on lounge chairs lined up like sardines in a can...so close together that you can barely get out of your chair without bumping the guy next to you. Or if I liked meeting at 2:30 in the Paris Lounge for random movie trivia, but I’m not one of those people. It is my opinion that cruises are for cattle, if you can only have a good time with scheduled, senseless group activities and you enjoy waiting in line and eating hoards of greasy, slop style food then perhaps this is the vacation for you…I’d rather stay home. I’ve heard other people’s stories of fantastic food, and luxury…perhaps on another cruise line or a different destination but I will have to rely on other’s people’s stories as I will never cruise again. I would like to return to Cozumel but will opt to fly next time.
Next Up: I got a request for some Valentine's cupcakes and I'm hosting a Barbie play date so I'm sure I'll have something fun to share from that!
Can you believe it? It's a cupcake stand! And it's the cutest freaking thing I've seen in sometime. I couldn't resist and HAD to have it. I also just had to make a special cupcake just to place on top so when I made the 
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